Hugging the child

Don’t Write Angry

I told myself never to go to the keyboard raging because nothing good can come from what you write.  Vitriol and vindictiveness on paper has a way of looking crazy in hindsight and the angrier you are and the more fanatical your feeling invariably leads to regrettable prose.

That said, I had the experience recently that makes me want to tear someone’s head off.  There, I said it.  I went too far.  I do not think I will post this.  But if I do, there must be a caveat that…in this moment I was not in a proper state of mind.

I have eschewed talking about anything truly personal to this point.  I came to this with the purpose of shining a light on the online dating world from a divorced Dad’s perspective.  Thus, the assumption is that I have children or a child.  Well, when my little one tells me we cannot cuddle anymore, I am surprised but accepting of that.  She is not a little girl anymore, but not an adolescent either.  But when she tells me Mommy asked her if I had ever touched her privates, I lost my shit.  Calmly, I asked her why Mommy would ask that?  The child did not know, but she assured me that she had responded “No,” despite the fact that her mother pressed the issue just to make sure the answer was no.

When I walked out of the room, I looked around for something to break.  How in God’s name would a parent plant that seed into a child’s mind?  Prior to that question, my daughter had no idea that a person would do something like that.  She would never even think that a hug or a snuggle would or could have a nefarious component. 

When my ex returned home I calmly and politely removed myself from the house and left without a word.  I was proud of myself.  I wanted so badly to scream at her, but with my child in the house, that was not an option.  In fact, we had never had a fight during our entire decade of marriage.  No raised voices or anything even coming close to discord. I think that is one of the reasons it didn’t work.

So do yourself a favor fellas.  Fight for your marriage or your relationship.  If you truly want it to survive, you must air grievances and concerns.

Came home from Spring Break and immediately went to see my kid.  She asked me if she could hug me.  I am not sure if you can hear a heart break on a blog, but that sound you heard was indeed that.  Now, my feelings have moved to a place between anger and sadness…no, check that heartbreak. It is the sort of soul shredding pain that accompanies the realization that I have lost my daughter’s untrammeled belief that her father’s hugs express love only and always. She need not have to wonder.

I have got no humor for you today.  I have not got a witty piece of advice to bestow.  I said I would be brutally honest.  I just did not think the brutality would be so cruel, so hurtful and so unnecessary.  It has been a while, but I think I need a good cry tonight.

Athletic and Toned…Not

Athletic and Toned

Athletic and Toned

“Athletic and Toned” can cover all sorts of personal insecurities.  It seems that on several sites, this euphemism fits nicely in the sweet spot between curvy and slender. When in reality my personal experience with athletic and toned ladies is just a skosh offputting.

Perhaps these sites should broaden their body type categories.  For instance…Has to run around in the shower to get wet, Karen Carpenter was fat, Slim, slender, average, athletic and toned, curvy, a few extra pounds, a cheeseburger away from three bills, morbidly obese, needs a crane to leave the house.  That ought to cover it.

Last two dates I have had the pleasure of meeting some athletic and toned ladies who appeared to have eaten a small child prior to our date.  Now, we have all felt stupid after a purchase once in a while.  It is the buyer’s remorse narrative that gives online dating its bad name.  Now, before my female readers have a cow over my seemingly vast propensity to be shallow, I’ll let it be known that I have banged several fat chicks in my time.  And no, they were not mercy boinks or pity poundings.  They were legitimate, albeit beergoggle-fueled romps.  The whole ton of fun, more cushion for the pushin’ clichés have their place   Heavy set gals tend to be very eager to please and are generally extraordinarily enthusiastic in bed.  I am generalizing again, so bear with me.  In my experience, fat chicks do not have as much experience as you do.  Thus, they are more likely very impressed by your B Game.  Rarely, in my opinion has anyone truly brought their A Game when with a big girl.  I may be wrong, but this is simply my experience.

So buyer beware…always try to find a full body shot.  If there are none, assume the worst.  Add 20 pounds to your expectations and chins enough to hide change. 

I will hit send and immediately regret the vast majority of my blog.  But, I promised to be completely honest…warts and all.  As I said in my first post, I will do the heavy lifting.  Thus, I have actually pursued the low hanging fruit.  That is to say, women who I would not normally text, nor who I am the least attracted to, are getting winks, smiles and messages from me.  My objective is to increase my sample size, derive insights from extensive experience and actually have some advice based on data and not mere generalizations about one girl.  Now, I could focus all my energy on the pursuit of the one woman who will become my soulmate (and that, of course is the aim).  But, for the readers of this blog, I need to gather information that you will find credible and helpful.

If you just want to get laid after years of bad sex and/or no sex, try xswipes.com.  No strings, no names and no worries.  Just break the seal so that you can start dating with confidence again.  But please, bag it up.  You don’t need me to tell you…nothing screams celibacy more than an STD. 

There is also Get an Affair.com, AffairDating.com, and BeDiscreet.com.  My experience with these sites in general is that they are too expensive for the deliverable.  The women tend to either be far away or less than desirable.  From my experience, there are a lot of younger, tinder graduates who are either lonely, married or in their sexual prime (30-35).  Just think what you were like between 16-21 and imagine what you would have done if social media were available to you.

Please heed this piece of advice.  If you like your job and/or any paycheck in the near future, do not post your face on these sites.  There is a reason businesses and schools block these sites.  A body shot with your chin resting on your chest with a cowboy hat covering your face ought to do the trick.  Even if you look like Tom Sellick, posting your smiling face on these sites might get you shit canned or worse. Imagine your teenage daughter seeing your smiling face and your erect Johnson or worse…your son seeing you in a speedo and chaps with Vaseline and glitter. Yes, indeed you will get laid on these sites.  And you should not have any illusion about why these sites exist.  But you do not have to be Robert Kraft to lose respect, money and more.  Anonymity is a must.  You have been warned.

Meeting

While I have been away

Missed Meeting
So, it seems to me I need to make something clear. My online dating life may seem rather unseemly and promiscuous to some of my readers. Mea Culpa. However, I must reveal that before becoming single several years ago, and even after becoming single, I was literally celibate for nearly ten years. This is true. There are no exaggerations nor hyperbole in this blog. I had not had sexual relations for the last seven years of my marriage and for the first two after the divorce.
This may seem rather extreme, but my sex life was nil and it was not by choice I assure you. My loveless marriage was a partnership of parenting and that is all.
Along the way, I seem to have missed the men’s meeting. Apparently, during my hiatus from physical intimacy, the men of the country all came together to create a manifesto of rather new sexual norms. This detailed document. to which I was not privy, has changed the rules of the sexual game. Evidently, women are now required to shave their hoo-has, in some case wax them completely. Dolphins, hummingbirds and or flowers must be tattooed somewhere in close proximity to the privates and contraceptives are frowned upon. Women seem to believe that deep throating a guy is what he wants and are proud to declare that even prior to getting physical. And what is the deal with cumming on the face? I have to believe that porn has a great deal to do with this but I am baffled by the new rules.
Hopefully, my readers have come to the conclusion that I have been with a number of sluts, and as a result, have probably contracted several gruesome STDs. And many of you believe that it serves me right. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have chosen the low hanging fruit in an attempt to make up for the years of dormancy I experienced. Then again, for the years I stared down biological determinism, I have to say that my will is strong, and I am still holding out hope for love.
A man’s desire for sex is biologically wired in us. As many Priests can attest, our prurient urges tend to overwhelm even the most pious of us. For me, to quote Bill Hicks, “It will take a special woman…or…a bunch of average ones.” I am hoping that when that special one comes along, I will be emotionally available and man enough not to ask, “do you want it on the face or on the tits?”

Catcher’s Mitt

The Catcher’s Mitt

So, I left us with some questions to ponder and it is imperative we don’t discount the last one.  There is the sense, particularly with women, that their exes are out their boning every nineteen year old in their neighborhood…or at least all the MILF sluts throwing themselves at guys after their own divorces. I know that I am generalizing, but women talk and judge each other.  For every knitting session, there is one woman who says that she just needs a good rodgering to soothe her mind.  The common understanding is that the ex has introduced the new girlfriend to the world and she needs to do some catching up…or at least have a bona fide hate fuck that will be directed at all males who have done her wrong.

This is why, fellas, you never ever, even though it is tempting to, let your sex life be broadcast to the world.  You must let your ex think that you are pining away in your abode, lonely and couch bound.  This may sound, to my female readers, to be a petty and juvenile tactic by a small-minded, sex crazed lunatic.  I may be all of those things, but I want my ex-wife to be happy.  By keeping my private life private, I let her move on and even let her think I still hold a candle to her. I know what you are thinking…so here you are on this blog inviting the world into your sex life. Hypocritical? Perhaps, but the intention is not to wound my ex wife, but rather, it is to educate and inform readers of ways to move on. Sex is only part of the puzzle, and indeed, a tricky one at that.

Which brings us to the online dating world.  For every Match.com, Zoosk and EHarmony site, there are also sites like XSwipes, BeDiscreet, GetanAffair.com and Tinder that allow our more prurient selves be satisfied.  We need not do what the ladies who are looking for romance do.  While they write brilliant, witty profiles, (which we seldom read BTW), and try to find the normal-ish male who can write a sentence, refrain from sending shirtless or dick pics, and be employed, we simply need to be able to spot the desperate, vulnerable woman who will provide us with what we need.

When we are looking to settle down with a truly deserving woman, the tactics will be different.  There will be the first text that says something like…”looking to find a lady who will allow me to love her and worship the goddess that she is.”  Our photos will be thoughtful and include puppies and outdoor candids. 

For the guys and gals who are in pain because their exes are getting it on, just remember the things you could not stand after a while.  If his ever expanding gut and ever infrequent erections left you bored and angry…realize that it is someone else’s problem now.  If her pussy resembled a well- used hairy catcher’s mitt, picture the face of the poor guy who turns on the light en flagrante.

Dysfunction Junction

Dysfunction Junction

There is nothing worse than a divorcee droning on about the vindictiveness and worthlessness of their ex.  It is a petty and pointless exercise.  Friends just nod in acceptance hoping that the victimhood ends soon and therapists and colleagues feel not only disinterested but also uncomfortable respectively. On to victimhood.  There is a major problem in this country.  All the women I offended in my previous post have their antennae up.  First, let me say that the MeeToo Movement is worthwhile and very necessary.  As an athlete in college, I was exposed to some unabashed, mysoginistic behavior that was not only accepted but encouraged and promoted to flourish.  And this was at an extremely liberal and progressive college.

But while movements like this shine a light on the plight of the marginalized, they also seem to breed this overwhelming thirst for retribution in the form of victimhood.  I am not getting into the Ford-Kavanaugh sweepstakes of who was more victimized.  But it sickened me that the reputations of two successful people became a political football where neither would come out unscathed. 

I am going to keep my eye on the ball.  There are other movements whose bedrock principles are grounded in the victimhood dynamic.  But we are focused here on another topic entirely.

Look, everyone who has been in a divorce, particularly if the marriage was a long one, has come out on the other end with some battle scars.  But carrying the cross of victim is not doing anyone any favors.  Instead, lick your wounds and move forward.  Focus on the future and learn from the past. 

Anyone who claims or puts forth the façade that their marriage or relationship is devoid of even a little bit of dysfunction is deluding themselves.  We grew up in a time where the Osmonds, Mandrells and Waltons were the model for wholesome, wonderful, All-American families.  We can see how that all turned out.  But even if TV land does not imprint its branding of familial perfection into your worldview, we still have fairy tales teaching our kids about “Happily ever after…”  Which is never defined and never explained.  It would be too murky and complicated.

So, some questions to ponder for this post.

How is your past keeping your future from happening?

Why is playing the victim so seemingly important to people?  Does the moral high ground have some sort of magical elixir that cures all the pain and jealousy divorce creates?

How does fucking a virtually complete stranger tell you something about how you are coping?