Emotional Connection

Emotional Connection

OK. I think it is pretty clear that guys have a deep seeded need for carnal satisfaction. I spoke earlier of biological determinism and got some comments including, “WTF is that?” “Aren’t you so smart?” “don’t use useless jargon ahole!” Gotta love the haters. Biological determinism boils down to the fact that all animals, humans included, have a need to promulgate their gene pool. Offspring ahole! Males look for opportunities and because males are capable of having babies throughout their lifetime they tend to be naturally prone to non-manogamy. In herd animals, the strength of the herd is paramount and thus, males fight for the right to breed…strengthening the herd as a whole. Females, who have a limited amount of eggs, tend to be nesters…trying to assure that their offspring live to adulthood, where their gene pool can procreate. That is biological determinism and it explains some of the reasons men and women behave differently. It explains why men are more violent, are attractive to breasts and hips (indicators of fertility) and less committed to staying with one mate.

Obviously, society has thrown a major set of constraints on biology. But, it is my opinion that they are rational and well thought out controls on our biological instincts. Society functions better with solid families. The common good outweighs the selfish desires of a society purely based on our biological desires.

So, in terms of online dating, the inscrutable “chemistry” that ladies seem to crave is high on their checklists. Guys pretty much look for less. For us, we need to remember one major factor before dating ladies our age. I am generalizing again, but for women, there usually has to be an emotional connection prior to a physical one. Now, many of my readers are saying “not the women I know” or are screaming at me saying how sexist I am. The “We need it just as much as men do” posse are not necessarily wrong, but the simple fact is…they are not men.

A comedian summed it up like this. Women may trade in all their security and possessions for a romp with Denzel or Brad. But a guy may do the same for the passed out sorority girl behind the dumpster. In general, women need more mental stimulation than men do. In that, I think we can agree. There is your challenge gentlemen. In the online space, how do you seduce their minds? For most ladies our age, you must do this before any moistening of the panties can occur.

First rule: You must be a man. Refrain from using emogis and text messages using phrase like “R U awake? Whassup?” or “I’m like 4ever gonna think uv U naked” You appear vapid, young and lazy.

Second rule: Be interested but also interesting. Encourage her with praise and flattery, but do not go overboard. You must make her feel sexy. But, when talking about yourself, tease her with material that will make her curious and likely to respond. “ Was in Costa Rica last year and saw a blue macaw.” “I was riding my Harley yesterday and hit a baby bunny. Almost crashed then cried like a baby.” “ I have a thing for Jordanian women. When I was there I came home with whiplash.” Each of these examples may lead to questions from your potential dates. I have asked similar type questions to women on different sites. I have broken down categories into age, physical desirability and web site. For example, on eharmony about 40% of women responded to the vulnerability text (the bunny). About 3% on Zoosk and zero on xswipes.com. Got a high percentage response from the attraction question (Jordanian women) on Tinder and GetanAffair.com. Got virtually none on Match.com and bumble. Other than from one Middle Eastern woman and one ex military member who asked me if I was a veteran.

Third rule: Live in the present. I can tell a woman that I won a trophy in high school for “Most All-around male athlete,” (which is true) but that is not going to turn on ladies our age. They are not looking to have kids with us, thereby considering your athleticism as good genes for our kids is irrelevant. She would be much more interested in how you built a treehouse for all the neighborhood kids to share in the big gnarled oak tree in your backyard. Or how you teach your daughter about random acts of kindness by paying for others at restaurants without any expectation or acknowledgment. I have had my daughter pick out the people recently. She loves it. Last week she got in the car and squealed “they will be so surprised! I wonder if they know it was us?” I asked her, “Does it matter?” She thought about it for a moment, and said “No. Just as long as they pay it forward.” I was so proud of her.

So remember to stimulate the women you target mentally first. That is actually why texts in the online space can help us ugly guys get past the first encounter. I need it to get her hopeful before her expectations are crushed by my appearance. Many of my pre online relationships were built on extended time together. Class, high school, college, work environments and the like. Once women get to know me, I get more attractive. The online world offers me no room for error.

Closer or Chump?

The Green Light

So, here you are at the threshold.  You have passed the photo stage…seemed to be a normal guy in the initial stage of texting, moved on to the phone call phase and finally met face to face.  You seem to like her and she seems to be able to stand you.  How do you proceed?

If you want a relationship, there is the second date.  You may take her to event for the third and there goes several hundred dollars, a couple of weeks and distracted google search wondering why her nickname is donkeebaby.  Or, as I have decided, there is a much more time-sensitive method that works for some guys.  Me included.  All guys will come to this crossroad, and how you handle it makes you either a closer or a chump.  You have to make a move.  How do you seal the deal?  How do you move the relationship along and/or get some?  As I have heard, some guys see the date winding down and they go in for the tonsillectomy kiss, I have even heard some guys ask for a hummer at the end of dates.  For me, it is simply conversational.  I reference seemingly every woman’s desire for “a spark…or chemistry.”  Now chemistry is the one subject for which I earned a B, so I am not good at it.  I am also ugly.  So I am not very confident about how I have been perceived.  I simply use logic.  “So, if we want the texting and dating to continue, we really ought to get the chemistry question out of the way.  If we are not physically compatible, then there is no reason to continue seeing each other.”  I usually can tell if she immediately repulsed or is pondering the question logically. 

What I really want to say is…“I tell you what.  With no strings attached, I will please you orally, get up and leave, and let you make the call.”  However, most women with half a brain and any reasonable amount of self-respect would not go for that.  Even worse, most would think I was a creep, a womanizer and a disgusting, worthless piece of shit. 

What you need to consider though is something that cannot be understated.  If you like the woman, really respect her and want to potentially see her again, you may just have to pump the brakes a little.  The dating rules in our generation are fairly hard and fast.  Some women, really quality women stick to those rules.  It is important to measure the nature of the date.  Is it flirty and fun?  Is there a lot of jokes about physical activity?  These are green lights for your chemistry experiment.  If she is cool and funny and seems to like you, you may want to hold off.  Do what is comfortable. You cannot and should not follow a script that make you nervous.  Just remember this.  She stood in front of a mirror and got spent quite a bit of time getting ready for the date.  She wants to be liked.  She wants you to find her attractive and she wants you to want to be with her.  Simple as that.  As guys, we do not really overthink things.  Do not overthink this one.  Let her do that for both of you.

Here are a few anecdotal tips that I have used with some success.  You must have an exit strategy.  As a date winds down, there are all sorts of awkward questions and situations that we must endure.  How many times have we got up, once the check is settled, shake hands and go to our respective cars?  Most times, we are wondering, well, that was underwhelming.  Will she text me?  Should I continue texting her?

  • At some point during my date, I take out a carmex container and put some on my lips.  I ask her if she wants some.  If she says yes, I lean in and ask, “how would you like to apply it?” It has worked well for me.  Do not do it at the end of the date.  Maybe just as you finished your drink or your meal.  Or after a particularly flirty conversation.
  • Don’t be shy.  If you are walking to a table or choosing an outside table at a café, put your hand on the small of her back and guide her there.  Just a touch.  Always, pull out her chair, open the door for her and tell her she looks nice.  Always tell her she looks nice!!!  Even if she does not. 
  • If she has fierce nails with polish, ask her if you can check them out for a closer inspection.  Do this by holding out both hands to take her hands in yours.  By the way ladies, no guy in the history of guys has ever cared one way or the other what your nails look like.  Seriously, chewed to the nub or inch long claws with fiery red polish…it matters absolutely nil to us.
  • Do not order white wine, blended whiskey, gin with a twist or any drink that could potentially come with an umbrella in it.  If you order a margarita, get the kind she likes.  If she suggests a drink, get it.  However, if it is suspect tell her, “I may have to turn in my man card to drink this.  I hope none of my friends see me with this in my hand.”  Bourbon, single malt and high end vodka are your go to spirits.  If beer is on the agenda, do not get light beer.  An obscure craft beer should be your choice.  If you like Stella Artois, Rolling Rock or Miller High Life, you have just told her you are a pussy. Even if she likes those beers, order something with some balls. 

If there is any interest at all, a kiss on the first date is always on the table, seldom discussed and a potential minefield.  Once again, women have rules that they tend to follow.  Many women I have dated told me that there would be no situation where they would kiss on the first date.  Even a good night peck.  Some have fewer hard and fast rules.  If you are not sure, do the following: 

  • Walk her to her car.  If you hold out your hand and she takes it, good sign.  Tell her that you enjoyed talking with her.  Even ask her if she would like to do it again.   
  • If you are not sure a kiss is coming, tell her something like, “I really want to kiss you, but I also want to make a good first impression.  My (insert food) had a bit more onion or garlic than I expected.  So next time I will go for bland.” Allow her an out.  But you made your intentions clear.  In this scenario, she knows exactly what to expect on the next date and there will be no awkward endings.  Just anticipation.

Lastly, and to save yourself from some grief, play it cool.  If she is out of your league and you know she does not intend to see you again, please take her down a peg.  I you sense that she is trying to simply endure your date, if she seems uninterested or makes some lame excuse to cut your date short, do one of the following.

  • Inform her that she is just not your type.  “Sorry, honey.  This is not going to work out.  You seem really nice, but there is no spark.”  She will be shocked.  She may agree with you, but most likely, she will feel either relieved or gobsmacked.
  • Tell her, “I have always dated above my pay grade.  You are cute, but I really don’t see us working out.  If you want a friend, that is fine.  But I don’t want to waste your time.” Once again, you will be able to inspect her beautiful teeth because her mouth will be agape.
  • Or lastly, “I know you are not interested and I am cool with that.  However, keep my number on your phone and when you are drunk, alone and horny, know that I am a dependable booty call with an enormous (pause for effect) endowment.”  Now you may have a tiny little package, but odds are, she will never know that.

Happy hunting!

It will take a special woman…

Or a bunch of average ones.

It Will Take a Special Woman…

…Or a bunch of average ones.  That is the dilemma of the divorced married father in this digital age.  We have been burned, and we want to find a woman we can love.  We want to find a woman who will see the best of us and we can reclaim the romantic, accountable caring version of ourselves that we once had.  Finding her is the problem.  Hey, they are out there and they are looking for us as well.  But getting to the place where we can be honest, open and vulnerable is a no man’s land of WWI proportions.  It is filled with land mines, barbed wire and rejections aplenty.  Even the most confident guy can get hurt somethin’ awful in this new world of chemical weapons and vindictive divorcees…on both sides.  On the one hand we have the douche bags and on the other the cunts.

Sifting through the carnage, we have to be extremely selective (and lonely) or a scatter gun serial dater who makes no connections other than the carnal kind.  Let us be clear here. We all want the meaningful relationship.  The hookup game is lame and beneath us for our age.  Honestly, I have been very descriptive about my dive into the more prurient side of my character.  I mean no harm to anyone and I have tried not to offend too many of my readers. 

My, albeit feeble, excuse is that I have my eyes on the prize off the sites.  There is a person in my life who is more precious to me than I can fairly describe.  She makes me want to be a better man.  I feel a connection with her that is both unnerving and immediate.  There is a sense that she knows she captivates me completely.  I find myself staring at her while she plays with her hair, and I wished she could read my mind.  It contains more than I could ever express verbally, partly because it is X rated and partly because it cannot happen without life altering chaos.  Alas, she is 1000 miles away and we are intractably bound to our present locales. 

Perhaps the mere fact that it cannot happen is enough to make me want it more.  However, her friendship is so valuable and so true that I know I should not jeopardize it over an immediate attraction.  Plus, I think that my desire to see her happy does not involve me.  In one way or another, I think that I would not give her what she needs.  Is this a lack of confidence?  Perhaps.  But I think it boils down to the fact that her happiness overrides any self-interest I may have. Which brings us back to dating women who are virtual strangers.  There is absolutely no contest.  My dear friend, with all of our history and all of my unbridled caveman-like desire makes every woman I meet a poor substitute.  They really have no chance.  It is not a fair fight.

So, in lieu of intimacy and committed relationships, I have pursued pure carnal satisfaction. In so doing, I have been working on my craft, practicing and expanding my skill set and regaining control of my libido in the wake of nearly a decade of dormancy.  Now, for you guys saying, “yea, I do the same with porn,” let me tell you something you need to hear.  Your hand versus the body of a thirsty, sweating, lustful woman is no contest.  Plus, can your hand replicate the pussy you must surely master with your mouth?  I am going to be brutally honest.  If you can’t give good head…or if you don’t like it, thank you.  For all of the women out there who have had a lover like you, those of us who enthusiastically dive downstairs are so much more appreciated and desired than any stud who goes straight to boning.

Now, some of you ladies are nodding in agreement.  Some of you are saying, my man pleases me as best he can without that, and still others are saying, I have my Rabbit, I don’t need him poking around for Gollum’s ring in the Pit of Despair. My apologies for referencing your vagina as a Pit of Despair.  The vast majority of vaginas I have experienced have been benignly succulent and desperately captivating.  Only a very few have been in need of some sort of rudimentary husbandry.  And even those few had an appeal that is undeniable. 

On the Couch

The only couch I’m lyin’ on

Therapy

I find that the famous saying, “know thyself” brings a certain reason to the situations we find challenging in life.  We really must need to recognize our limitations and enthusiastically pursue the things that make us happy.  While puppies, mint iced tea on a July afternoon and twenty something year old pussy are not attainable very often, we must embrace them when they happen.

Now that my audience thinks I am broken beyond redemption, I will try to reel them back.  Some might say therapy would be useful for me.  Some have said that after divorce, a grief period or period of mourning is natural and inevitable.  In most cases, we men soldier on and focus on work.  Whereas, the ladies I have spoken with or have dated have indicated almost to the one that therapy was part of their grieving process.  They seem to share the view that it helped them a great deal.  They felt more self-esteem, less guilty and more purposeful after therapy, whether it was a group situation or individual.

Whatever the reason, I applaud them for seeking help.  Maybe I am friends with the wrong men, but I would be hard pressed to imagine any of them seeking therapy as a coping mechanism.  Perhaps we are just wired differently.  We get our validation via different means and we certainly are far more reticent than our female counterparts (I think on that we all can agree).

But just as I had my near aneurism at the prospect of being considered a child molester by my ex, I was informed that it was not her mother that planted the seed in my daughter, it was her therapist. My daughter has a therapist?  Are you freaking kidding me?  Where on God’s green earth is that coming from?  What is her mother thinking?  Yes, some children are traumatized by their parents’ divorce.  I get that.  But why let some half-wit, ivory tower, let me get some material to write about in “Psychology Today” person work with my daughter?  Why would this person plant that insidious, evil seed inside her head?  How could she not see how devastatingly damaging that idea could be for a child? 

I initially intended to have a strongly worded conversation between her car and my bat, but allowed a phone call to my lawyer intercede.  Boy, when you need validation, this guy is the bomb.  After telling me he would bring some bricks and a tire slashing tool, he told me that there were other ways of dealing with “the bitch.”  He told me that instead of using her name in correspondence or phone calls, the therapist will simply be referred to as “the bitch” moving forward.

So, as we plan out legal strategy, he asks me why I am letting my ex off the hook so easily.  He hates my wife with a passion; far more than I do, frankly.  I guess it has to do with the fact that instead of having a conversation with me about our marriage that might get a tad uncomfortable, she decided simply to have me served papers. I was caught completely off guard.  She did not even have the decency to let me know it was happening.  How is that for “non-confrontational?”  I just hope that this passive aggressive, therapy seeking vindictiveness skips a generation or is not passed down to my little girl. But instead of just hoping, there is one for certain, go to strategy that never fails me.  I am a terrific Dad.  I am an active parent.  I have my eye on the ball.  My daughter will know I love her, will protect her and will always keep her best interests in mind throughout all of my life.  I will remind her that if Mommy skips one payment to this therapist, she will not ever see her again.  I will always be there.  Anything she wants to tell the bitch in that room, she should feel comfortable telling me. Hopefully, she will take me up on it.

Hugging the child

Don’t Write Angry

I told myself never to go to the keyboard raging because nothing good can come from what you write.  Vitriol and vindictiveness on paper has a way of looking crazy in hindsight and the angrier you are and the more fanatical your feeling invariably leads to regrettable prose.

That said, I had the experience recently that makes me want to tear someone’s head off.  There, I said it.  I went too far.  I do not think I will post this.  But if I do, there must be a caveat that…in this moment I was not in a proper state of mind.

I have eschewed talking about anything truly personal to this point.  I came to this with the purpose of shining a light on the online dating world from a divorced Dad’s perspective.  Thus, the assumption is that I have children or a child.  Well, when my little one tells me we cannot cuddle anymore, I am surprised but accepting of that.  She is not a little girl anymore, but not an adolescent either.  But when she tells me Mommy asked her if I had ever touched her privates, I lost my shit.  Calmly, I asked her why Mommy would ask that?  The child did not know, but she assured me that she had responded “No,” despite the fact that her mother pressed the issue just to make sure the answer was no.

When I walked out of the room, I looked around for something to break.  How in God’s name would a parent plant that seed into a child’s mind?  Prior to that question, my daughter had no idea that a person would do something like that.  She would never even think that a hug or a snuggle would or could have a nefarious component. 

When my ex returned home I calmly and politely removed myself from the house and left without a word.  I was proud of myself.  I wanted so badly to scream at her, but with my child in the house, that was not an option.  In fact, we had never had a fight during our entire decade of marriage.  No raised voices or anything even coming close to discord. I think that is one of the reasons it didn’t work.

So do yourself a favor fellas.  Fight for your marriage or your relationship.  If you truly want it to survive, you must air grievances and concerns.

Came home from Spring Break and immediately went to see my kid.  She asked me if she could hug me.  I am not sure if you can hear a heart break on a blog, but that sound you heard was indeed that.  Now, my feelings have moved to a place between anger and sadness…no, check that heartbreak. It is the sort of soul shredding pain that accompanies the realization that I have lost my daughter’s untrammeled belief that her father’s hugs express love only and always. She need not have to wonder.

I have got no humor for you today.  I have not got a witty piece of advice to bestow.  I said I would be brutally honest.  I just did not think the brutality would be so cruel, so hurtful and so unnecessary.  It has been a while, but I think I need a good cry tonight.