For those of my readers wondering where the hell I have been, mea culpa. For those who know why and think I probably shouldn’t be back to the keyboard just yet, think of it as “my form of therapy.” As I have made it a rule not to divulge too much personal information on the site, I must confess that there is no activity in my dating life at present. I do not have to tell my loved ones and dear friends why. But at the same time, I have done the thing I told myself I would seldom do,,,I have ghosted three women.
Casper, I am not. And I told myself that any mature online dater is capable of telling a potential girlfriend that it won’t work out. They deserve to know and if interested they deserve to know why. The why part of the ladies I left on the vine was too difficult. Frankly, if any of them had gotten close enough to me to warrant an explanation, I would have muddled through. But they had not, so they got not.
So I am back to checking out sites and back to the reason this blog exists. I really struggled with this decision because it came with a big, “why bother?” caveat. But I owe it to myself to soldier on and owe it to my family to look forward to a better future.
OK. I think it is pretty clear that guys have a deep seeded need for carnal satisfaction. I spoke earlier of biological determinism and got some comments including, “WTF is that?” “Aren’t you so smart?” “don’t use useless jargon ahole!” Gotta love the haters. Biological determinism boils down to the fact that all animals, humans included, have a need to promulgate their gene pool. Offspring ahole! Males look for opportunities and because males are capable of having babies throughout their lifetime they tend to be naturally prone to non-manogamy. In herd animals, the strength of the herd is paramount and thus, males fight for the right to breed…strengthening the herd as a whole. Females, who have a limited amount of eggs, tend to be nesters…trying to assure that their offspring live to adulthood, where their gene pool can procreate. That is biological determinism and it explains some of the reasons men and women behave differently. It explains why men are more violent, are attractive to breasts and hips (indicators of fertility) and less committed to staying with one mate.
Obviously, society has thrown a major set of constraints on biology. But, it is my opinion that they are rational and well thought out controls on our biological instincts. Society functions better with solid families. The common good outweighs the selfish desires of a society purely based on our biological desires.
So, in terms of online dating, the inscrutable “chemistry” that ladies seem to crave is high on their checklists. Guys pretty much look for less. For us, we need to remember one major factor before dating ladies our age. I am generalizing again, but for women, there usually has to be an emotional connection prior to a physical one. Now, many of my readers are saying “not the women I know” or are screaming at me saying how sexist I am. The “We need it just as much as men do” posse are not necessarily wrong, but the simple fact is…they are not men.
A comedian summed it up like this. Women may trade in all their security and possessions for a romp with Denzel or Brad. But a guy may do the same for the passed out sorority girl behind the dumpster. In general, women need more mental stimulation than men do. In that, I think we can agree. There is your challenge gentlemen. In the online space, how do you seduce their minds? For most ladies our age, you must do this before any moistening of the panties can occur.
First rule: You must be a man. Refrain from using emogis and text messages using phrase like “R U awake? Whassup?” or “I’m like 4ever gonna think uv U naked” You appear vapid, young and lazy.
Second rule: Be interested but also interesting. Encourage her with praise and flattery, but do not go overboard. You must make her feel sexy. But, when talking about yourself, tease her with material that will make her curious and likely to respond. “ Was in Costa Rica last year and saw a blue macaw.” “I was riding my Harley yesterday and hit a baby bunny. Almost crashed then cried like a baby.” “ I have a thing for Jordanian women. When I was there I came home with whiplash.” Each of these examples may lead to questions from your potential dates. I have asked similar type questions to women on different sites. I have broken down categories into age, physical desirability and web site. For example, on eharmony about 40% of women responded to the vulnerability text (the bunny). About 3% on Zoosk and zero on xswipes.com. Got a high percentage response from the attraction question (Jordanian women) on Tinder and GetanAffair.com. Got virtually none on Match.com and bumble. Other than from one Middle Eastern woman and one ex military member who asked me if I was a veteran.
Third rule: Live in the present. I can tell a woman that I won a trophy in high school for “Most All-around male athlete,” (which is true) but that is not going to turn on ladies our age. They are not looking to have kids with us, thereby considering your athleticism as good genes for our kids is irrelevant. She would be much more interested in how you built a treehouse for all the neighborhood kids to share in the big gnarled oak tree in your backyard. Or how you teach your daughter about random acts of kindness by paying for others at restaurants without any expectation or acknowledgment. I have had my daughter pick out the people recently. She loves it. Last week she got in the car and squealed “they will be so surprised! I wonder if they know it was us?” I asked her, “Does it matter?” She thought about it for a moment, and said “No. Just as long as they pay it forward.” I was so proud of her.
So remember to stimulate the women you target mentally first. That is actually why texts in the online space can help us ugly guys get past the first encounter. I need it to get her hopeful before her expectations are crushed by my appearance. Many of my pre online relationships were built on extended time together. Class, high school, college, work environments and the like. Once women get to know me, I get more attractive. The online world offers me no room for error.
So, here you
are at the threshold. You have passed
the photo stage…seemed to be a normal guy in the initial stage of texting,
moved on to the phone call phase and finally met face to face. You seem to like her and she seems to be able
to stand you. How do you proceed?
If you want
a relationship, there is the second date.
You may take her to event for the third and there goes several hundred
dollars, a couple of weeks and distracted google search wondering why her
nickname is donkeebaby. Or, as I have
decided, there is a much more time-sensitive method that works for some
guys. Me included. All guys will come to this crossroad, and how
you handle it makes you either a closer or a chump. You have to make a move. How do you seal the deal? How do you move the relationship along and/or
get some? As I have heard, some guys see
the date winding down and they go in for the tonsillectomy kiss, I have even
heard some guys ask for a hummer at the end of dates. For me, it is simply conversational. I reference seemingly every woman’s desire
for “a spark…or chemistry.” Now
chemistry is the one subject for which I earned a B, so I am not good at it. I am also ugly. So I am not very confident about how I have
been perceived. I simply use logic. “So, if we want the texting and dating to
continue, we really ought to get the chemistry question out of the way. If we are not physically compatible, then
there is no reason to continue seeing each other.” I usually can tell if she immediately repulsed
or is pondering the question logically.
really want to say is…“I tell you what.
With no strings attached, I will please you orally, get up and leave,
and let you make the call.” However,
most women with half a brain and any reasonable amount of self-respect would
not go for that. Even worse, most would
think I was a creep, a womanizer and a disgusting, worthless piece of
need to consider though is something that cannot be understated. If you like the woman, really respect her and
want to potentially see her again, you may just have to pump the brakes a
little. The dating rules in our
generation are fairly hard and fast.
Some women, really quality women stick to those rules. It is important to measure the nature of the
date. Is it flirty and fun? Is there a lot of jokes about physical
activity? These are green lights for
your chemistry experiment. If she is
cool and funny and seems to like you, you may want to hold off. Do what is comfortable. You cannot and should
not follow a script that make you nervous.
Just remember this. She stood in
front of a mirror and got spent quite a bit of time getting ready for the
date. She wants to be liked. She wants you to find her attractive and she
wants you to want to be with her. Simple
as that. As guys, we do not really
overthink things. Do not overthink this
one. Let her do that for both of you.
Here are a
few anecdotal tips that I have used with some success. You must have an exit strategy. As a date winds down, there are all sorts of
awkward questions and situations that we must endure. How many times have we got up, once the check
is settled, shake hands and go to our respective cars? Most times, we are wondering, well, that was underwhelming. Will she text me? Should I continue texting her?
some point during my date, I take out a carmex container and put some on my
lips. I ask her if she wants some. If she says yes, I lean in and ask, “how
would you like to apply it?” It has worked well for me. Do not do it at the end of the date. Maybe just as you finished your drink or your
meal. Or after a particularly flirty
be shy. If you are walking to a table or
choosing an outside table at a café, put your hand on the small of her back and
guide her there. Just a touch. Always, pull out her chair, open the door for
her and tell her she looks nice. Always
tell her she looks nice!!! Even if she
she has fierce nails with polish, ask her if you can check them out for a
closer inspection. Do this by holding
out both hands to take her hands in yours.
By the way ladies, no guy in the history of guys has ever cared one way
or the other what your nails look like.
Seriously, chewed to the nub or inch long claws with fiery red polish…it
matters absolutely nil to us.
not order white wine, blended whiskey, gin with a twist or any drink that could
potentially come with an umbrella in it.
If you order a margarita, get the kind she likes. If she suggests a drink, get it. However, if it is suspect tell her, “I may
have to turn in my man card to drink this.
I hope none of my friends see me with this in my hand.” Bourbon, single malt and high end vodka are
your go to spirits. If beer is on the
agenda, do not get light beer. An
obscure craft beer should be your choice.
If you like Stella Artois, Rolling Rock or Miller High Life, you have
just told her you are a pussy. Even if she likes those beers, order something
with some balls.
If there is
any interest at all, a kiss on the first date is always on the table, seldom
discussed and a potential minefield.
Once again, women have rules that they tend to follow. Many women I have dated told me that there
would be no situation where they would kiss on the first date. Even a good night peck. Some have fewer hard and fast rules. If you are not sure, do the following:
her to her car. If you hold out your
hand and she takes it, good sign. Tell
her that you enjoyed talking with her.
Even ask her if she would like to do it again.
you are not sure a kiss is coming, tell her something like, “I really want to
kiss you, but I also want to make a good first impression. My (insert food) had a bit more onion or
garlic than I expected. So next time I
will go for bland.” Allow her an out.
But you made your intentions clear.
In this scenario, she knows exactly what to expect on the next date and
there will be no awkward endings. Just
Lastly, and to save yourself from some grief, play it cool. If she is out of your league and you know she
does not intend to see you again, please take her down a peg. I you sense that she is trying to simply
endure your date, if she seems uninterested or makes some lame excuse to cut
your date short, do one of the following.
her that she is just not your type. “Sorry,
honey. This is not going to work out. You seem really nice, but there is no spark.” She will be shocked. She may agree with you, but most likely, she
will feel either relieved or gobsmacked.
her, “I have always dated above my pay grade.
You are cute, but I really don’t see us working out. If you want a friend, that is fine. But I don’t want to waste your time.” Once
again, you will be able to inspect her beautiful teeth because her mouth will
lastly, “I know you are not interested and I am cool with that. However, keep my number on your phone and
when you are drunk, alone and horny, know that I am a dependable booty call
with an enormous (pause for effect) endowment.”
Now you may have a tiny little package, but odds are, she will never
…Or a bunch
of average ones. That is the dilemma of
the divorced married father in this digital age. We have been burned, and we want to find a
woman we can love. We want to find a
woman who will see the best of us and we can reclaim the romantic, accountable
caring version of ourselves that we once had.
Finding her is the problem. Hey,
they are out there and they are looking for us as well. But getting to the place where we can be
honest, open and vulnerable is a no man’s land of WWI proportions. It is filled with land mines, barbed wire and
rejections aplenty. Even the most
confident guy can get hurt somethin’ awful in this new world of chemical
weapons and vindictive divorcees…on both sides.
On the one hand we have the douche bags and on the other the cunts.
through the carnage, we have to be extremely selective (and lonely) or a
scatter gun serial dater who makes no connections other than the carnal kind. Let us be clear here. We all want the
meaningful relationship. The hookup game
is lame and beneath us for our age.
Honestly, I have been very descriptive about my dive into the more
prurient side of my character. I mean no
harm to anyone and I have tried not to offend too many of my readers.
feeble, excuse is that I have my eyes on the prize off the sites. There is a person in my life who is more
precious to me than I can fairly describe.
She makes me want to be a better man.
I feel a connection with her that is both unnerving and immediate. There is a sense that she knows she
captivates me completely. I find myself
staring at her while she plays with her hair, and I wished she could read my
mind. It contains more than I could ever
express verbally, partly because it is X rated and partly because it cannot
happen without life altering chaos. Alas,
she is 1000 miles away and we are intractably bound to our present
mere fact that it cannot happen is enough to make me want it more. However, her friendship is so valuable and so
true that I know I should not jeopardize it over an immediate attraction. Plus, I think that my desire to see her happy
does not involve me. In one way or
another, I think that I would not give her what she needs. Is this a lack of confidence? Perhaps.
But I think it boils down to the fact that her happiness overrides any
self-interest I may have. Which brings us back to dating women who are virtual
strangers. There is absolutely no
contest. My dear friend, with all of our
history and all of my unbridled caveman-like desire makes every woman I meet a
poor substitute. They really have no
chance. It is not a fair fight.
So, in lieu
of intimacy and committed relationships, I have pursued pure carnal
satisfaction. In so doing, I have been working on my craft, practicing and
expanding my skill set and regaining control of my libido in the wake of nearly
a decade of dormancy. Now, for you guys
saying, “yea, I do the same with porn,” let me tell you something you need to
hear. Your hand versus the body of a
thirsty, sweating, lustful woman is no contest.
Plus, can your hand replicate the pussy you must surely master with your
mouth? I am going to be brutally
honest. If you can’t give good head…or
if you don’t like it, thank you. For all
of the women out there who have had a lover like you, those of us who
enthusiastically dive downstairs are so much more appreciated and desired than
any stud who goes straight to boning.
Now, some of
you ladies are nodding in agreement.
Some of you are saying, my man pleases me as best he can without that,
and still others are saying, I have my Rabbit, I don’t need him poking around for
Gollum’s ring in the Pit of Despair. My apologies for referencing your vagina
as a Pit of Despair. The vast majority
of vaginas I have experienced have been benignly succulent and desperately
captivating. Only a very few have been
in need of some sort of rudimentary husbandry.
And even those few had an appeal that is undeniable.
I find that the famous saying, “know thyself” brings a certain reason to the situations we find challenging in life. We really must need to recognize our limitations and enthusiastically pursue the things that make us happy. While puppies, mint iced tea on a July afternoon and twenty something year old pussy are not attainable very often, we must embrace them when they happen.
Now that my
audience thinks I am broken beyond redemption, I will try to reel them
back. Some might say therapy would be
useful for me. Some have said that after
divorce, a grief period or period of mourning is natural and inevitable. In most cases, we men soldier on and focus on
work. Whereas, the ladies I have spoken
with or have dated have indicated almost to the one that therapy was part of
their grieving process. They seem to
share the view that it helped them a great deal. They felt more self-esteem, less guilty and
more purposeful after therapy, whether it was a group situation or individual.
reason, I applaud them for seeking help.
Maybe I am friends with the wrong men, but I would be hard pressed to
imagine any of them seeking therapy as a coping mechanism. Perhaps we are just wired differently. We get our validation via different means and
we certainly are far more reticent than our female counterparts (I think on
that we all can agree).
But just as
I had my near aneurism at the prospect of being considered a child molester by
my ex, I was informed that it was not her mother that planted the seed in my daughter,
it was her therapist. My daughter has a therapist? Are you freaking kidding me? Where on God’s green earth is that coming
from? What is her mother thinking? Yes, some children are traumatized by their
parents’ divorce. I get that. But why let some half-wit, ivory tower, let
me get some material to write about in “Psychology Today” person work with my
daughter? Why would this person plant
that insidious, evil seed inside her head?
How could she not see how devastatingly damaging that idea could be for
intended to have a strongly worded conversation between her car and my bat, but
allowed a phone call to my lawyer intercede.
Boy, when you need validation, this guy is the bomb. After telling me he would bring some bricks
and a tire slashing tool, he told me that there were other ways of dealing with
“the bitch.” He told me that instead of
using her name in correspondence or phone calls, the therapist will simply be
referred to as “the bitch” moving forward.
So, as we
plan out legal strategy, he asks me why I am letting my ex off the hook so
easily. He hates my wife with a passion;
far more than I do, frankly. I guess it
has to do with the fact that instead of having a conversation with me about our
marriage that might get a tad uncomfortable, she decided simply to have me
served papers. I was caught completely off guard. She did not even have the decency to let me
know it was happening. How is that for
“non-confrontational?” I just hope that
this passive aggressive, therapy seeking vindictiveness skips a generation or
is not passed down to my little girl. But instead of just hoping, there is one
for certain, go to strategy that never fails me. I am a terrific Dad. I am an active parent. I have my eye on the ball. My daughter will know I love her, will
protect her and will always keep her best interests in mind throughout all of
my life. I will remind her that if Mommy
skips one payment to this therapist, she will not ever see her again. I will always be there. Anything she wants to tell the bitch in that
room, she should feel comfortable telling me. Hopefully, she will take me up on