Closer or Chump?

The Green Light

So, here you are at the threshold.  You have passed the photo stage…seemed to be a normal guy in the initial stage of texting, moved on to the phone call phase and finally met face to face.  You seem to like her and she seems to be able to stand you.  How do you proceed?

If you want a relationship, there is the second date.  You may take her to event for the third and there goes several hundred dollars, a couple of weeks and distracted google search wondering why her nickname is donkeebaby.  Or, as I have decided, there is a much more time-sensitive method that works for some guys.  Me included.  All guys will come to this crossroad, and how you handle it makes you either a closer or a chump.  You have to make a move.  How do you seal the deal?  How do you move the relationship along and/or get some?  As I have heard, some guys see the date winding down and they go in for the tonsillectomy kiss, I have even heard some guys ask for a hummer at the end of dates.  For me, it is simply conversational.  I reference seemingly every woman’s desire for “a spark…or chemistry.”  Now chemistry is the one subject for which I earned a B, so I am not good at it.  I am also ugly.  So I am not very confident about how I have been perceived.  I simply use logic.  “So, if we want the texting and dating to continue, we really ought to get the chemistry question out of the way.  If we are not physically compatible, then there is no reason to continue seeing each other.”  I usually can tell if she immediately repulsed or is pondering the question logically. 

What I really want to say is…“I tell you what.  With no strings attached, I will please you orally, get up and leave, and let you make the call.”  However, most women with half a brain and any reasonable amount of self-respect would not go for that.  Even worse, most would think I was a creep, a womanizer and a disgusting, worthless piece of shit. 

What you need to consider though is something that cannot be understated.  If you like the woman, really respect her and want to potentially see her again, you may just have to pump the brakes a little.  The dating rules in our generation are fairly hard and fast.  Some women, really quality women stick to those rules.  It is important to measure the nature of the date.  Is it flirty and fun?  Is there a lot of jokes about physical activity?  These are green lights for your chemistry experiment.  If she is cool and funny and seems to like you, you may want to hold off.  Do what is comfortable. You cannot and should not follow a script that make you nervous.  Just remember this.  She stood in front of a mirror and got spent quite a bit of time getting ready for the date.  She wants to be liked.  She wants you to find her attractive and she wants you to want to be with her.  Simple as that.  As guys, we do not really overthink things.  Do not overthink this one.  Let her do that for both of you.

Here are a few anecdotal tips that I have used with some success.  You must have an exit strategy.  As a date winds down, there are all sorts of awkward questions and situations that we must endure.  How many times have we got up, once the check is settled, shake hands and go to our respective cars?  Most times, we are wondering, well, that was underwhelming.  Will she text me?  Should I continue texting her?

  • At some point during my date, I take out a carmex container and put some on my lips.  I ask her if she wants some.  If she says yes, I lean in and ask, “how would you like to apply it?” It has worked well for me.  Do not do it at the end of the date.  Maybe just as you finished your drink or your meal.  Or after a particularly flirty conversation.
  • Don’t be shy.  If you are walking to a table or choosing an outside table at a café, put your hand on the small of her back and guide her there.  Just a touch.  Always, pull out her chair, open the door for her and tell her she looks nice.  Always tell her she looks nice!!!  Even if she does not. 
  • If she has fierce nails with polish, ask her if you can check them out for a closer inspection.  Do this by holding out both hands to take her hands in yours.  By the way ladies, no guy in the history of guys has ever cared one way or the other what your nails look like.  Seriously, chewed to the nub or inch long claws with fiery red polish…it matters absolutely nil to us.
  • Do not order white wine, blended whiskey, gin with a twist or any drink that could potentially come with an umbrella in it.  If you order a margarita, get the kind she likes.  If she suggests a drink, get it.  However, if it is suspect tell her, “I may have to turn in my man card to drink this.  I hope none of my friends see me with this in my hand.”  Bourbon, single malt and high end vodka are your go to spirits.  If beer is on the agenda, do not get light beer.  An obscure craft beer should be your choice.  If you like Stella Artois, Rolling Rock or Miller High Life, you have just told her you are a pussy. Even if she likes those beers, order something with some balls. 

If there is any interest at all, a kiss on the first date is always on the table, seldom discussed and a potential minefield.  Once again, women have rules that they tend to follow.  Many women I have dated told me that there would be no situation where they would kiss on the first date.  Even a good night peck.  Some have fewer hard and fast rules.  If you are not sure, do the following: 

  • Walk her to her car.  If you hold out your hand and she takes it, good sign.  Tell her that you enjoyed talking with her.  Even ask her if she would like to do it again.   
  • If you are not sure a kiss is coming, tell her something like, “I really want to kiss you, but I also want to make a good first impression.  My (insert food) had a bit more onion or garlic than I expected.  So next time I will go for bland.” Allow her an out.  But you made your intentions clear.  In this scenario, she knows exactly what to expect on the next date and there will be no awkward endings.  Just anticipation.

Lastly, and to save yourself from some grief, play it cool.  If she is out of your league and you know she does not intend to see you again, please take her down a peg.  I you sense that she is trying to simply endure your date, if she seems uninterested or makes some lame excuse to cut your date short, do one of the following.

  • Inform her that she is just not your type.  “Sorry, honey.  This is not going to work out.  You seem really nice, but there is no spark.”  She will be shocked.  She may agree with you, but most likely, she will feel either relieved or gobsmacked.
  • Tell her, “I have always dated above my pay grade.  You are cute, but I really don’t see us working out.  If you want a friend, that is fine.  But I don’t want to waste your time.” Once again, you will be able to inspect her beautiful teeth because her mouth will be agape.
  • Or lastly, “I know you are not interested and I am cool with that.  However, keep my number on your phone and when you are drunk, alone and horny, know that I am a dependable booty call with an enormous (pause for effect) endowment.”  Now you may have a tiny little package, but odds are, she will never know that.

Happy hunting!

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