Hugging the child

Don’t Write Angry

I told myself never to go to the keyboard raging because nothing good can come from what you write.  Vitriol and vindictiveness on paper has a way of looking crazy in hindsight and the angrier you are and the more fanatical your feeling invariably leads to regrettable prose.

That said, I had the experience recently that makes me want to tear someone’s head off.  There, I said it.  I went too far.  I do not think I will post this.  But if I do, there must be a caveat that…in this moment I was not in a proper state of mind.

I have eschewed talking about anything truly personal to this point.  I came to this with the purpose of shining a light on the online dating world from a divorced Dad’s perspective.  Thus, the assumption is that I have children or a child.  Well, when my little one tells me we cannot cuddle anymore, I am surprised but accepting of that.  She is not a little girl anymore, but not an adolescent either.  But when she tells me Mommy asked her if I had ever touched her privates, I lost my shit.  Calmly, I asked her why Mommy would ask that?  The child did not know, but she assured me that she had responded “No,” despite the fact that her mother pressed the issue just to make sure the answer was no.

When I walked out of the room, I looked around for something to break.  How in God’s name would a parent plant that seed into a child’s mind?  Prior to that question, my daughter had no idea that a person would do something like that.  She would never even think that a hug or a snuggle would or could have a nefarious component. 

When my ex returned home I calmly and politely removed myself from the house and left without a word.  I was proud of myself.  I wanted so badly to scream at her, but with my child in the house, that was not an option.  In fact, we had never had a fight during our entire decade of marriage.  No raised voices or anything even coming close to discord. I think that is one of the reasons it didn’t work.

So do yourself a favor fellas.  Fight for your marriage or your relationship.  If you truly want it to survive, you must air grievances and concerns.

Came home from Spring Break and immediately went to see my kid.  She asked me if she could hug me.  I am not sure if you can hear a heart break on a blog, but that sound you heard was indeed that.  Now, my feelings have moved to a place between anger and sadness…no, check that heartbreak. It is the sort of soul shredding pain that accompanies the realization that I have lost my daughter’s untrammeled belief that her father’s hugs express love only and always. She need not have to wonder.

I have got no humor for you today.  I have not got a witty piece of advice to bestow.  I said I would be brutally honest.  I just did not think the brutality would be so cruel, so hurtful and so unnecessary.  It has been a while, but I think I need a good cry tonight.

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