Athletic and Toned…Not

Athletic and Toned

Athletic and Toned

“Athletic and Toned” can cover all sorts of personal insecurities.  It seems that on several sites, this euphemism fits nicely in the sweet spot between curvy and slender. When in reality my personal experience with athletic and toned ladies is just a skosh offputting.

Perhaps these sites should broaden their body type categories.  For instance…Has to run around in the shower to get wet, Karen Carpenter was fat, Slim, slender, average, athletic and toned, curvy, a few extra pounds, a cheeseburger away from three bills, morbidly obese, needs a crane to leave the house.  That ought to cover it.

Last two dates I have had the pleasure of meeting some athletic and toned ladies who appeared to have eaten a small child prior to our date.  Now, we have all felt stupid after a purchase once in a while.  It is the buyer’s remorse narrative that gives online dating its bad name.  Now, before my female readers have a cow over my seemingly vast propensity to be shallow, I’ll let it be known that I have banged several fat chicks in my time.  And no, they were not mercy boinks or pity poundings.  They were legitimate, albeit beergoggle-fueled romps.  The whole ton of fun, more cushion for the pushin’ clichés have their place   Heavy set gals tend to be very eager to please and are generally extraordinarily enthusiastic in bed.  I am generalizing again, so bear with me.  In my experience, fat chicks do not have as much experience as you do.  Thus, they are more likely very impressed by your B Game.  Rarely, in my opinion has anyone truly brought their A Game when with a big girl.  I may be wrong, but this is simply my experience.

So buyer beware…always try to find a full body shot.  If there are none, assume the worst.  Add 20 pounds to your expectations and chins enough to hide change. 

I will hit send and immediately regret the vast majority of my blog.  But, I promised to be completely honest…warts and all.  As I said in my first post, I will do the heavy lifting.  Thus, I have actually pursued the low hanging fruit.  That is to say, women who I would not normally text, nor who I am the least attracted to, are getting winks, smiles and messages from me.  My objective is to increase my sample size, derive insights from extensive experience and actually have some advice based on data and not mere generalizations about one girl.  Now, I could focus all my energy on the pursuit of the one woman who will become my soulmate (and that, of course is the aim).  But, for the readers of this blog, I need to gather information that you will find credible and helpful.

If you just want to get laid after years of bad sex and/or no sex, try xswipes.com.  No strings, no names and no worries.  Just break the seal so that you can start dating with confidence again.  But please, bag it up.  You don’t need me to tell you…nothing screams celibacy more than an STD. 

There is also Get an Affair.com, AffairDating.com, and BeDiscreet.com.  My experience with these sites in general is that they are too expensive for the deliverable.  The women tend to either be far away or less than desirable.  From my experience, there are a lot of younger, tinder graduates who are either lonely, married or in their sexual prime (30-35).  Just think what you were like between 16-21 and imagine what you would have done if social media were available to you.

Please heed this piece of advice.  If you like your job and/or any paycheck in the near future, do not post your face on these sites.  There is a reason businesses and schools block these sites.  A body shot with your chin resting on your chest with a cowboy hat covering your face ought to do the trick.  Even if you look like Tom Sellick, posting your smiling face on these sites might get you shit canned or worse. Imagine your teenage daughter seeing your smiling face and your erect Johnson or worse…your son seeing you in a speedo and chaps with Vaseline and glitter. Yes, indeed you will get laid on these sites.  And you should not have any illusion about why these sites exist.  But you do not have to be Robert Kraft to lose respect, money and more.  Anonymity is a must.  You have been warned.

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