It will take a special woman…

Or a bunch of average ones.

It Will Take a Special Woman…

…Or a bunch of average ones.  That is the dilemma of the divorced married father in this digital age.  We have been burned, and we want to find a woman we can love.  We want to find a woman who will see the best of us and we can reclaim the romantic, accountable caring version of ourselves that we once had.  Finding her is the problem.  Hey, they are out there and they are looking for us as well.  But getting to the place where we can be honest, open and vulnerable is a no man’s land of WWI proportions.  It is filled with land mines, barbed wire and rejections aplenty.  Even the most confident guy can get hurt somethin’ awful in this new world of chemical weapons and vindictive divorcees…on both sides.  On the one hand we have the douche bags and on the other the cunts.

Sifting through the carnage, we have to be extremely selective (and lonely) or a scatter gun serial dater who makes no connections other than the carnal kind.  Let us be clear here. We all want the meaningful relationship.  The hookup game is lame and beneath us for our age.  Honestly, I have been very descriptive about my dive into the more prurient side of my character.  I mean no harm to anyone and I have tried not to offend too many of my readers. 

My, albeit feeble, excuse is that I have my eyes on the prize off the sites.  There is a person in my life who is more precious to me than I can fairly describe.  She makes me want to be a better man.  I feel a connection with her that is both unnerving and immediate.  There is a sense that she knows she captivates me completely.  I find myself staring at her while she plays with her hair, and I wished she could read my mind.  It contains more than I could ever express verbally, partly because it is X rated and partly because it cannot happen without life altering chaos.  Alas, she is 1000 miles away and we are intractably bound to our present locales. 

Perhaps the mere fact that it cannot happen is enough to make me want it more.  However, her friendship is so valuable and so true that I know I should not jeopardize it over an immediate attraction.  Plus, I think that my desire to see her happy does not involve me.  In one way or another, I think that I would not give her what she needs.  Is this a lack of confidence?  Perhaps.  But I think it boils down to the fact that her happiness overrides any self-interest I may have. Which brings us back to dating women who are virtual strangers.  There is absolutely no contest.  My dear friend, with all of our history and all of my unbridled caveman-like desire makes every woman I meet a poor substitute.  They really have no chance.  It is not a fair fight.

So, in lieu of intimacy and committed relationships, I have pursued pure carnal satisfaction. In so doing, I have been working on my craft, practicing and expanding my skill set and regaining control of my libido in the wake of nearly a decade of dormancy.  Now, for you guys saying, “yea, I do the same with porn,” let me tell you something you need to hear.  Your hand versus the body of a thirsty, sweating, lustful woman is no contest.  Plus, can your hand replicate the pussy you must surely master with your mouth?  I am going to be brutally honest.  If you can’t give good head…or if you don’t like it, thank you.  For all of the women out there who have had a lover like you, those of us who enthusiastically dive downstairs are so much more appreciated and desired than any stud who goes straight to boning.

Now, some of you ladies are nodding in agreement.  Some of you are saying, my man pleases me as best he can without that, and still others are saying, I have my Rabbit, I don’t need him poking around for Gollum’s ring in the Pit of Despair. My apologies for referencing your vagina as a Pit of Despair.  The vast majority of vaginas I have experienced have been benignly succulent and desperately captivating.  Only a very few have been in need of some sort of rudimentary husbandry.  And even those few had an appeal that is undeniable. 

On the Couch

The only couch I’m lyin’ on

Therapy

I find that the famous saying, “know thyself” brings a certain reason to the situations we find challenging in life.  We really must need to recognize our limitations and enthusiastically pursue the things that make us happy.  While puppies, mint iced tea on a July afternoon and twenty something year old pussy are not attainable very often, we must embrace them when they happen.

Now that my audience thinks I am broken beyond redemption, I will try to reel them back.  Some might say therapy would be useful for me.  Some have said that after divorce, a grief period or period of mourning is natural and inevitable.  In most cases, we men soldier on and focus on work.  Whereas, the ladies I have spoken with or have dated have indicated almost to the one that therapy was part of their grieving process.  They seem to share the view that it helped them a great deal.  They felt more self-esteem, less guilty and more purposeful after therapy, whether it was a group situation or individual.

Whatever the reason, I applaud them for seeking help.  Maybe I am friends with the wrong men, but I would be hard pressed to imagine any of them seeking therapy as a coping mechanism.  Perhaps we are just wired differently.  We get our validation via different means and we certainly are far more reticent than our female counterparts (I think on that we all can agree).

But just as I had my near aneurism at the prospect of being considered a child molester by my ex, I was informed that it was not her mother that planted the seed in my daughter, it was her therapist. My daughter has a therapist?  Are you freaking kidding me?  Where on God’s green earth is that coming from?  What is her mother thinking?  Yes, some children are traumatized by their parents’ divorce.  I get that.  But why let some half-wit, ivory tower, let me get some material to write about in “Psychology Today” person work with my daughter?  Why would this person plant that insidious, evil seed inside her head?  How could she not see how devastatingly damaging that idea could be for a child? 

I initially intended to have a strongly worded conversation between her car and my bat, but allowed a phone call to my lawyer intercede.  Boy, when you need validation, this guy is the bomb.  After telling me he would bring some bricks and a tire slashing tool, he told me that there were other ways of dealing with “the bitch.”  He told me that instead of using her name in correspondence or phone calls, the therapist will simply be referred to as “the bitch” moving forward.

So, as we plan out legal strategy, he asks me why I am letting my ex off the hook so easily.  He hates my wife with a passion; far more than I do, frankly.  I guess it has to do with the fact that instead of having a conversation with me about our marriage that might get a tad uncomfortable, she decided simply to have me served papers. I was caught completely off guard.  She did not even have the decency to let me know it was happening.  How is that for “non-confrontational?”  I just hope that this passive aggressive, therapy seeking vindictiveness skips a generation or is not passed down to my little girl. But instead of just hoping, there is one for certain, go to strategy that never fails me.  I am a terrific Dad.  I am an active parent.  I have my eye on the ball.  My daughter will know I love her, will protect her and will always keep her best interests in mind throughout all of my life.  I will remind her that if Mommy skips one payment to this therapist, she will not ever see her again.  I will always be there.  Anything she wants to tell the bitch in that room, she should feel comfortable telling me. Hopefully, she will take me up on it.

Hugging the child

Don’t Write Angry

I told myself never to go to the keyboard raging because nothing good can come from what you write.  Vitriol and vindictiveness on paper has a way of looking crazy in hindsight and the angrier you are and the more fanatical your feeling invariably leads to regrettable prose.

That said, I had the experience recently that makes me want to tear someone’s head off.  There, I said it.  I went too far.  I do not think I will post this.  But if I do, there must be a caveat that…in this moment I was not in a proper state of mind.

I have eschewed talking about anything truly personal to this point.  I came to this with the purpose of shining a light on the online dating world from a divorced Dad’s perspective.  Thus, the assumption is that I have children or a child.  Well, when my little one tells me we cannot cuddle anymore, I am surprised but accepting of that.  She is not a little girl anymore, but not an adolescent either.  But when she tells me Mommy asked her if I had ever touched her privates, I lost my shit.  Calmly, I asked her why Mommy would ask that?  The child did not know, but she assured me that she had responded “No,” despite the fact that her mother pressed the issue just to make sure the answer was no.

When I walked out of the room, I looked around for something to break.  How in God’s name would a parent plant that seed into a child’s mind?  Prior to that question, my daughter had no idea that a person would do something like that.  She would never even think that a hug or a snuggle would or could have a nefarious component. 

When my ex returned home I calmly and politely removed myself from the house and left without a word.  I was proud of myself.  I wanted so badly to scream at her, but with my child in the house, that was not an option.  In fact, we had never had a fight during our entire decade of marriage.  No raised voices or anything even coming close to discord. I think that is one of the reasons it didn’t work.

So do yourself a favor fellas.  Fight for your marriage or your relationship.  If you truly want it to survive, you must air grievances and concerns.

Came home from Spring Break and immediately went to see my kid.  She asked me if she could hug me.  I am not sure if you can hear a heart break on a blog, but that sound you heard was indeed that.  Now, my feelings have moved to a place between anger and sadness…no, check that heartbreak. It is the sort of soul shredding pain that accompanies the realization that I have lost my daughter’s untrammeled belief that her father’s hugs express love only and always. She need not have to wonder.

I have got no humor for you today.  I have not got a witty piece of advice to bestow.  I said I would be brutally honest.  I just did not think the brutality would be so cruel, so hurtful and so unnecessary.  It has been a while, but I think I need a good cry tonight.

Athletic and Toned…Not

Athletic and Toned

Athletic and Toned

“Athletic and Toned” can cover all sorts of personal insecurities.  It seems that on several sites, this euphemism fits nicely in the sweet spot between curvy and slender. When in reality my personal experience with athletic and toned ladies is just a skosh offputting.

Perhaps these sites should broaden their body type categories.  For instance…Has to run around in the shower to get wet, Karen Carpenter was fat, Slim, slender, average, athletic and toned, curvy, a few extra pounds, a cheeseburger away from three bills, morbidly obese, needs a crane to leave the house.  That ought to cover it.

Last two dates I have had the pleasure of meeting some athletic and toned ladies who appeared to have eaten a small child prior to our date.  Now, we have all felt stupid after a purchase once in a while.  It is the buyer’s remorse narrative that gives online dating its bad name.  Now, before my female readers have a cow over my seemingly vast propensity to be shallow, I’ll let it be known that I have banged several fat chicks in my time.  And no, they were not mercy boinks or pity poundings.  They were legitimate, albeit beergoggle-fueled romps.  The whole ton of fun, more cushion for the pushin’ clichés have their place   Heavy set gals tend to be very eager to please and are generally extraordinarily enthusiastic in bed.  I am generalizing again, so bear with me.  In my experience, fat chicks do not have as much experience as you do.  Thus, they are more likely very impressed by your B Game.  Rarely, in my opinion has anyone truly brought their A Game when with a big girl.  I may be wrong, but this is simply my experience.

So buyer beware…always try to find a full body shot.  If there are none, assume the worst.  Add 20 pounds to your expectations and chins enough to hide change. 

I will hit send and immediately regret the vast majority of my blog.  But, I promised to be completely honest…warts and all.  As I said in my first post, I will do the heavy lifting.  Thus, I have actually pursued the low hanging fruit.  That is to say, women who I would not normally text, nor who I am the least attracted to, are getting winks, smiles and messages from me.  My objective is to increase my sample size, derive insights from extensive experience and actually have some advice based on data and not mere generalizations about one girl.  Now, I could focus all my energy on the pursuit of the one woman who will become my soulmate (and that, of course is the aim).  But, for the readers of this blog, I need to gather information that you will find credible and helpful.

If you just want to get laid after years of bad sex and/or no sex, try xswipes.com.  No strings, no names and no worries.  Just break the seal so that you can start dating with confidence again.  But please, bag it up.  You don’t need me to tell you…nothing screams celibacy more than an STD. 

There is also Get an Affair.com, AffairDating.com, and BeDiscreet.com.  My experience with these sites in general is that they are too expensive for the deliverable.  The women tend to either be far away or less than desirable.  From my experience, there are a lot of younger, tinder graduates who are either lonely, married or in their sexual prime (30-35).  Just think what you were like between 16-21 and imagine what you would have done if social media were available to you.

Please heed this piece of advice.  If you like your job and/or any paycheck in the near future, do not post your face on these sites.  There is a reason businesses and schools block these sites.  A body shot with your chin resting on your chest with a cowboy hat covering your face ought to do the trick.  Even if you look like Tom Sellick, posting your smiling face on these sites might get you shit canned or worse. Imagine your teenage daughter seeing your smiling face and your erect Johnson or worse…your son seeing you in a speedo and chaps with Vaseline and glitter. Yes, indeed you will get laid on these sites.  And you should not have any illusion about why these sites exist.  But you do not have to be Robert Kraft to lose respect, money and more.  Anonymity is a must.  You have been warned.

Meeting

While I have been away

Missed Meeting
So, it seems to me I need to make something clear. My online dating life may seem rather unseemly and promiscuous to some of my readers. Mea Culpa. However, I must reveal that before becoming single several years ago, and even after becoming single, I was literally celibate for nearly ten years. This is true. There are no exaggerations nor hyperbole in this blog. I had not had sexual relations for the last seven years of my marriage and for the first two after the divorce.
This may seem rather extreme, but my sex life was nil and it was not by choice I assure you. My loveless marriage was a partnership of parenting and that is all.
Along the way, I seem to have missed the men’s meeting. Apparently, during my hiatus from physical intimacy, the men of the country all came together to create a manifesto of rather new sexual norms. This detailed document. to which I was not privy, has changed the rules of the sexual game. Evidently, women are now required to shave their hoo-has, in some case wax them completely. Dolphins, hummingbirds and or flowers must be tattooed somewhere in close proximity to the privates and contraceptives are frowned upon. Women seem to believe that deep throating a guy is what he wants and are proud to declare that even prior to getting physical. And what is the deal with cumming on the face? I have to believe that porn has a great deal to do with this but I am baffled by the new rules.
Hopefully, my readers have come to the conclusion that I have been with a number of sluts, and as a result, have probably contracted several gruesome STDs. And many of you believe that it serves me right. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have chosen the low hanging fruit in an attempt to make up for the years of dormancy I experienced. Then again, for the years I stared down biological determinism, I have to say that my will is strong, and I am still holding out hope for love.
A man’s desire for sex is biologically wired in us. As many Priests can attest, our prurient urges tend to overwhelm even the most pious of us. For me, to quote Bill Hicks, “It will take a special woman…or…a bunch of average ones.” I am hoping that when that special one comes along, I will be emotionally available and man enough not to ask, “do you want it on the face or on the tits?”

Catcher’s Mitt

The Catcher’s Mitt

So, I left us with some questions to ponder and it is imperative we don’t discount the last one.  There is the sense, particularly with women, that their exes are out their boning every nineteen year old in their neighborhood…or at least all the MILF sluts throwing themselves at guys after their own divorces. I know that I am generalizing, but women talk and judge each other.  For every knitting session, there is one woman who says that she just needs a good rodgering to soothe her mind.  The common understanding is that the ex has introduced the new girlfriend to the world and she needs to do some catching up…or at least have a bona fide hate fuck that will be directed at all males who have done her wrong.

This is why, fellas, you never ever, even though it is tempting to, let your sex life be broadcast to the world.  You must let your ex think that you are pining away in your abode, lonely and couch bound.  This may sound, to my female readers, to be a petty and juvenile tactic by a small-minded, sex crazed lunatic.  I may be all of those things, but I want my ex-wife to be happy.  By keeping my private life private, I let her move on and even let her think I still hold a candle to her. I know what you are thinking…so here you are on this blog inviting the world into your sex life. Hypocritical? Perhaps, but the intention is not to wound my ex wife, but rather, it is to educate and inform readers of ways to move on. Sex is only part of the puzzle, and indeed, a tricky one at that.

Which brings us to the online dating world.  For every Match.com, Zoosk and EHarmony site, there are also sites like XSwipes, BeDiscreet, GetanAffair.com and Tinder that allow our more prurient selves be satisfied.  We need not do what the ladies who are looking for romance do.  While they write brilliant, witty profiles, (which we seldom read BTW), and try to find the normal-ish male who can write a sentence, refrain from sending shirtless or dick pics, and be employed, we simply need to be able to spot the desperate, vulnerable woman who will provide us with what we need.

When we are looking to settle down with a truly deserving woman, the tactics will be different.  There will be the first text that says something like…”looking to find a lady who will allow me to love her and worship the goddess that she is.”  Our photos will be thoughtful and include puppies and outdoor candids. 

For the guys and gals who are in pain because their exes are getting it on, just remember the things you could not stand after a while.  If his ever expanding gut and ever infrequent erections left you bored and angry…realize that it is someone else’s problem now.  If her pussy resembled a well- used hairy catcher’s mitt, picture the face of the poor guy who turns on the light en flagrante.